26

When I was in primary school, the English teachers would have us dedicate one exercise book as our journal. Some weeks, they would assign journal writing as our homework. The topic could be something they set, or it could be free writing and we could write about anything we wanted.

I loved it when English homework was journal writing. To me, it was so much more fun than worksheets. I would eagerly fill up pages and pages of the exercise book with each journal entry, to the point where I sometimes needed to start another volume in a new exercise book after running out of space in the first one.

Of course, for primary school kids, the journal topics would be fairly simple, like "What I did over the weekend." But I would captivate my teachers' attention even with such a mundane subject, and they always wrote very positive comments on the pages of my exercise books, which made me really happy.

So I guess writing has always been a thing in my life. Then I went and made it my profession, which in some sense was a good decision because why not make money out of something I'm good at and enjoy doing... But in other ways it kind of killed the joy in it.

My job as an internal communications professional does involve some writing, but not as much as, say, being a journalist. Comms involves so much more planning and project management than they tell you in school, and the fun content creation bits are quite rare. So my writing skills are getting a little rusty. And the type of content we generate most of the time, to put it bluntly, is propaganda. It's not fun to create and it's not fun to consume. I question my purpose in life when I don't get a positive reaction from my readers. I want my writing to entertain, to amuse, to provoke thought. Otherwise I have wasted my time.

So to try to build a bulwark against this creeping issue before it becomes a bigger problem and I totally lose my writing mojo, like so many other communications professionals do when they stay too long in the field, I decided to take some time out this week, during one of my rare weeks away from work, to update this blog with some (hopefully) good content.

To hark back to my primary school journaling days, the topic will be really simple: What I did during my week off.

Enjoy!

23 October 2023: Mandai Bird Paradise

I always take a one-week vacation from work around the 21st of October, which is my birthday. For my 26th birthday this year, I decided to check out the Mandai Bird Paradise for the first time. I no longer do birthday dinners and those kinds of things that normal people do on their birthdays, since I no longer take food orally. I'm all about non-culinary experiences now. Last year I stayed two nights in the Marina Bay Sands hotel to celebrate my 25th!

This year, my actual birthday was on a Saturday, so I waited for the Monday to go to the Bird Paradise so that I wouldn't have to contend with the weekend crowd.

The park was still pretty crowded though, especially with people from India. There were not many other Singaporeans there aside from a school excursion group from Pathlight and a gaggle of senior citizens from some social welfare organisation.

In terms of layout, Bird Paradise consists of a series of ten zones which you can pass through linearly, making a loop around the perimeter of the attraction as you go. With the exception of the first two zones, Winged Sanctuary and Penguin Cove, all zones are giant aviaries: essentially they are like little clumps of standalone forests where the birds are all flying around freely, with a huge net covering the entire place so that the birds are contained inside...

... And predators are kept outside, as I discovered at the Crimson Wetlands zone. This zone is, in my opinion, the most beautiful because it is spacious and open, being less forested than the other aviaries. The birds there, like flamingos and macaws, are also bigger and much easier to see. The trouble with some of the other aviaries is that they are very well-vegetated and the birds are pretty small and flighty, so it's rather hit-or-miss if you get to see anything unless you're really patient and willing to stand there searching for a long time.

While I was at the Crimson Wetlands, there was suddenly a huge commotion as nearly the whole population of birds in the aviary, except for the biggest ones like the flamingos, started shrieking at the top of their lungs and flying rapidly in circles like a whirlwind! It was an amazing sight to behold as hundreds of birds swooped above me, twittering furiously. As I looked up at them, I spotted the reason for their mass hysteria. High above the aviary, inscribing lazy circles through the clouds, was a pair of hawks. They were probably a mating pair from the nearby Seletar reservoir hunting for food. Obviously, in the wild, some of the small birds in the Bird Paradise would be fair game for birds of prey like hawks, so it's understandable that they would panic when hawks show up in the neighbourhood. Their bird brains can't comprehend the concept that the nets keep the hawks out, after all.

Speaking of bird brains, there was a psycho bird at the Winged Sanctuary. The Winged Sanctuary is not an aviary but a series of big mesh cages housing rare birds. One of the hornbills there was behaving strangely: it kept honking loudly and rhythmically and banging its head against the metal door at the back of the cage. I think it needs an intervention.

That hornbill was, unfortunately, not the only sick bird I spotted at the park. One of the penguins at the Penguin Cove looked ill too. Its protective coat was discoloured and seemed to have eroded away. The poor little thing was shivering and it refused to swim with its friends.

I spent a long time at the Penguin Cove, visiting at the start as well as the end of my journey around the park. Its convenient location near the entrance makes it possible to do this. It is clearly the most popular zone and is always packed. This is because penguins are the superior race in all of birdkind. The air-conditioning is a big plus too.

The design of the Penguin Cove could do with a few tweaks though. Currently, there are two levels where you can observe the penguins from. The Beach level has a big glass window which looks onto the land portion of the penguins' habitat. This is the more important part of the habitat because many of the penguins are lazy and spend the whole time just standing around doing nothing. So to see them, you need to be on this level. The Underwater level, as the name suggests, shows the underwater view of the habitat. I was lucky enough to catch the penguins' morning feeding time, so I got to see the penguins diving deep to retrieve the dead capelins that the keepers dumped into the water. But otherwise, generally you don't see any penguins from this level.

For some strange reason, they decided to put a buffet restaurant on the Underwater level, with the unique proposition that you can dine while enjoying the view of penguins swimming. This clearly doesn't happen in real life because the penguins seldom go down there, so you're in effect dining while enjoying the view of empty water columns. I would get rid of this bootleg Ocean Restaurant because it is a waste of budget and space. I would relocate the merchandise shop and café from where they now are on the Beach level to the Underwater level, because the Underwater level is an entry and exit point to the building and it makes sense to catch people there and ask them to spend money. In the space freed up on the Beach level, I would build a dais, similar to the one at the manatee tank at the River Wonders. People will be able to mount the dais via ramps at the side to get an elevated view of the penguins standing on the land. This is useful because the habitat is quite big and the parts at the back are difficult for children and people in a seated position to see from the floor. Having a raised platform would afford a much better view.

Mandai Bird Paradise: A good experience

Sick birds and interior design inadequacies notwithstanding, I would recommend visiting the Bird Paradise at least once. It's a good experience overall, with each aviary separated from the next by an enclosed and air-conditioned rest area so you can seek shelter if the elements get too overwhelming. There are abundant food and beverage options at both the entrance as well as the midpoint of the park where the Crimson Wetlands is. I distinctly remember a very strong chicken rice garlic chilli smell from the food court just after it. And I enjoyed my favourite ice lemon tea from the Han's Union just outside the park. If you patronise the A&W next door, see if the menu board still contains the typo I spotted: they meant to write "irresistible" but it came out as "irrestible" instead.

The free-ranging birds make for some interesting encounters too, as the more inquisitive ones may even land on you and try to steal your stuff. Here's a bird pecking at my mother.

I'm not generally a fan of birds but I enjoyed my time at the Mandai Bird Paradise. But at $42 a ticket, I feel that the cost is quite a deterrent to repeat visits for all but avid bird enthusiasts. I will, however, willingly go back if I could pay half price for a ticket that only allows entry to the Penguin Cove.

The power of penguin cuteness will compel you to spend money. Resistance is futile.

See that pillow on my chest? It's a magic pillow. Turn it inside-out and it transforms into...

A soft toy!

24 October 2023: Dinner at Putien Raffles City with friends

I don't do a lot of social stuff. Hanging out with friends is not a simple task for me, as it involves logistics to get me to and from the hangout venue safely, and a lot of planning and coordinating of schedules with my caregivers, who are my parents. There's also not a lot of realistic options in terms of hangout activities: for instance, the typical young person would go clubbing with their friends, but that wouldn't turn out well if I tried it.

There's also a very big energy cost I have to pay when going out with friends. As an introvert, and someone who doesn't socialise much, there is a mental cost of course, but this is compounded by the physical effort required to be outside the safe environs of my home, where the furniture is comfortable and the surroundings are peaceful and quiet.

But I'm still a human being, and I need social contact to stay psychologically well. So when I have some time off from work, I make an effort to arrange meetups with friends. That way, I have enough energy to spare as I saved some by not working, and I have days free after the meetup to restore my energy.

I caught up with my friends JC and BL on Tuesday night at the Putien restaurant in Raffles City. My parents wanted to go to the Clove restaurant at the hotel next door to use up some vouchers they had, and my friends were coming from work in the city centre, so it worked out well.

JC is a friend I made at work four years ago, and in the company I work at, that's nearly a lifetime. As BL always says, JC and I have been around for very long. We've lost many friends to other companies along the way, so I'm really happy that she's still around, and similarly, she keeps teasingly warning me not to resign. When I was an intern in human resources, she was my guardian. Now, even though I'm a battle-tested regular staff in my own right, I still find comfort in the stability she brings, even though I've since established myself in the communications department and don't overlap much with her in terms of responsibilities.

BL is a new friend who joined JC's department just over a year ago. We crossed paths because my internal communications role puts me in close contact with various parts of human resources, as I help them to announce their policies and initiatives to the employees. She has since made her next career move, but we promised to keep up our friendship.

Many career advisors on Tiktok say things like "Never trust HR" and things like that, but my list of friends that I made at work is dominated by HR colleagues. My view is that you have to look at your HR colleagues with very open and honest eyes, and not be prejudiced against them just because of stereotypes or a perception that they are there to protect the company by hurting you. There are some really good ones like BL and JC who make it their mission to find win-win solutions, and they work really hard at it. And at the end of the day, HR colleagues are flesh-and-blood employees like the rest of us, trying to survive and make an honest living. I am proud of my HR friends!

Time

The get-together with JC and BL also made me reflect on the passage of time, and how we use it. BL may only have been with the company for just over a year, but she and JC grew so close that they now go on overseas holidays together. They also share a very cute dynamic, as exemplified by the following conversation at the restaurant while ordering a vegetable dish.

BL: *speaks to waitress in Mandarin*
JC: What vegetable did she say that is?
BL: Oh, this is a green vegetable.
JC: No shit bro, most vegetables are green.

Or this one where they were telling me about their recent trip to Vietnam when it flooded.

BL: *pointing at JC* She made us walk in mud!
JC: It wasn't mud, it was just rain water.
BL: Just water? You drink and show me lah!

BL also didn't have a lot of joint projects with me, but our brief interactions over the course of the year added up and made us become friends instead of just coworkers. When she resigned, a lot of people across the company, besides myself, were very sad.

Thinking about her impact, I realised that one year is a long time, but it is also a short time. We can use it for so much good, but we can also do the opposite. Broadly speaking, I can categorise new coworkers into three groups. In their first year, they can:

1. Leave a deep and positive impact on their colleagues, and have many good relationships within and beyond their department;
2. Leave a deep and negative impact on their colleagues, sowing a trail of confusion, dissatisfaction, and unhappiness in their wake; or
3. Make people wonder what they were doing during the year, because they didn't seem to have made any impact at all.

BL, needless to say, is in the first category. I can only hope I have more colleagues like that in the future.

Keep Calm and Battle On!

I was recently reminded of this blog when I made a new friend, let's call her M, at work, and showed it to her so she could get to know me better.

My last post was over a year ago. I felt I really should update it, give it some love and a fresh lick of paint.

Besides, it's been a while since I've written anything for my own enjoyment. Writing is now my job, but I want to rediscover the joys of doing it for its own sake as well.

So when inspiration struck in the form of a sudden wave of nostalgia brought about by experiencing an old childhood game in a totally new way, I decided I'd take advantage of this four-day extended weekend to pump out a new post.

Let's start from the very beginning, shall we?

The light of mana

A ball of yellow flame burst from the adventurer's hand, striking the mer-monster square in the chest.

The mer-monster, which had the tail of a fish but a hideous-looking body, staggered in pain, then retaliated, blasting the adventurer with a water spell.

The adventurer recovered and readied another ball of yellow in his hand.

"No no no, why you keep using 'Light of Mana'? This monster is weak to energy, so you should use energy spells, not light!"

A voice cuts in. A hand grabs the cursor and positions it over the "monster attributes" section of the screen, causing a popup to appear.

It displayed a dizzying array of numbers.

That was the moment I fell head-over-heels in love with computer games, especially those involving the Skinner box design philosophy of "big numbers getting bigger", with a bit of RNG thrown in for good measure.

Geeky pastime

The owner of the voice, and the hand, was my classmate.

Now, please remember that this was a long time ago. We were in Primary 3, and it was a post-exam period so we were all left to our own devices in the school's computer lab. But I'm pretty sure his name was Isaac, and back then he lived in Jalan Tiga.

He was a short, chubby boy with big, round, black-framed glasses. Exactly the sort of quiet, geeky kid who would be suffering wedgies every day at the hands of the jocks if we had been in a typical American school. Fortunately, this is the nerd capital of the world, Singapore.

We were sharing one of the school computers. He had offered to show me a computer game. I had not played computer games before that day, because I was quite deprived of life beyond academics.

"It's called BattleOn," he told me breathlessly, his eyes twinkling with excitement.

He logged into his account and showed me the basics. Click "Attack" to attack with your primary weapon, click "Spells" to choose a magical attack, click "Weapons", "Shields", "Armor", and "Pets" to change your loadout. Seemed simple enough.

I played on his account for a while, during which he taught me more about the game mechanics, such as why it's not a good strategy to spam 'Light of Mana', which was the spell he had used when demonstrating the game to me, against every monster.

Basically, most monsters conform to a certain element, which makes them weak to the opposing element. So for example, the mer-monster, whose exact name escapes me, I was fighting was a water-based creature, so its weakness was energy.

Similarly, fire creatures are weak to ice, darkness creatures are weak to light, and so on. You should tailor your attacks to exploit your opponent's weaknesses.

Eventually, Isaac popped the question.

"Do you want your own account?"

I answered yes. Less than ten minutes later, he had me all set up.

Jonathan798 was good to go.

The marijuana of computer games

I like to say that for '90s kids, BattleOn was the "gateway drug" for those of us who would eventually become hooked on computer games.

It was simple enough for our tiny, kiddy brains to handle, yet complex enough to introduce us to fundamental game mechanics and concepts such as the rock-paper-scissors approach that the combat systems of most games essentially boil down to.

And it had that potent combination of monster variety, quests and lore, and "just one more level before bed".

I've always had an addictive personality, so that "just one more level before bed" effect was very strong on me.

As I tend to do, I flung myself headlong into the game, grinding the levels day after day.

Every recess time, I would proudly report back to Isaac what level I had achieved the night before.

I think I got a bit tiresome, because one day he got a bit irritated and said: "This is not a competition."

Oops.

Rose-tinted nostalgia

I eventually graduated to bigger games like RuneScape, but I always kept Jonathan798. Every couple of years, I would revisit him and play with him again for a while.

The feeling of familiarity, of homecoming, of simpler times, never fails to bring a smile to my face.

When work stress got to me a couple of weeks ago, I took Jonathan798 out for a spin again.

I posted about it on social media. M's husband saw my post, and immediately recognised the game, declaring it a "legendary game". Damn right it is!

He said that when he was a kid, he had a Guardian account with the Blade of Awe!

WTF... Jonathan798 was about 15 years old, and level 80+, but he was not a Guardian, nor did he have the Blade of Awe.

I had wasted hours as a kid, jostling with the other free players around the world for the very limited 8,000 server places available to us.

I remember, with a tinge of disgust, repeatedly being greeted with the all-too-familiar message that the server was full, and if I really wanted to play, I should become a Guardian so I wouldn't have to queue like a poor person.

I felt like such a pleb. The situation was unacceptable. How would I remedy this?

A quick Google search later, I had my answer. A one-off payment of US$19.95 would make me a Guardian, while a one-off payment of US$24.95 would make me a Guardian with X-Boost, which is essentially a bunch of cool upgrades over the regular Guardian account type.

I thought about the fact that RuneScape is costing me just under a hundred bucks a year on a recurring membership. BattleOn's Guardianship is a permanent unlock for a single payment, and the price is very low by today's industry standards.

My mind was made up. "Go big or go home," I said to myself as I bought the higher tier. "Look who's back, to buy the thing he couldn't afford as a kid."

Breathing new life into an old hobby

First order of business: acquire the Blade of Awe. It's essentially a very powerful weapon only available to Guardians.

To get it, you have to collect five pieces of the weapon. These will spawn in rare treasure chests which randomly appear as you play.

Once you have all five weapon components, bring them to Valencia, a rare item hunter in the main city, who will assemble them for you into the complete sword.

I was expecting a long, RNG-based grind to find and collect all five pieces, but when I spoke to Valencia, she immediately said I had everything I needed and she promptly made and presented me with the Blade of Awe!

Apparently, free players are able to find the weapon pieces, just that they can't put them together, and at some point over the last 15 years, I had successfully collected all five of them.

Presenting... the Blade of Awe!

It's a very pog weapon. For me, regular attacks hit in the high two-digits or low three-digits, and it has random special attacks which can hit in the high three-digits. It also grows stronger with the player's level, and I've seen veteran players hitting thousands of damage with it!

Of course, the Blade of Awe is not the only thing Guardianship has to offer. There are lots of new classes of combat to train in, and I can also go further in depth into the older classes that were available in free-to-play on a restricted basis, now that I'm no longer subject to those limitations.

My X-Boost also netted me extra Z-Tokens, the game's premium MTX currency. So I bought a cottage.

Apparently the cottage comes with several plots of real estate for me to build stuff on for resource gathering. I'm still figuring out this part.

And of course, I now have unfettered access to every single item, quest, and location in the entire game.

Jonathan798, my trusty BattleOn account that Isaac helped me create when I was nine years old, is reborn.

A new adventure is just beginning!

Jonathan's Year in Review 2020

I was shocked to discover recently that the decade is ending on 31 December 2020. I had been under the impression that it had ended last year, because you count from 2010 to 2019, then 2020 to 2029, and so on right? But apparently not. Between mirthful snorts of laughter at my ignorance, my father explained it to me like this: There was no year 0. The first year was 1. So the decades are counted as follows: 1 to 10, 11 to 20, ... 2011 to 2020, 2021 to 2030, and so on.

I had never felt more stupid in my life. My whole life has been a fucking lie!

Anyway, since this year is such a milestone being the end of a decade and all, I thought I should take a moment (actually several thousand moments, because this whopper of a post is going to take me quite a while to write) to look back on the year and the decade as a whole, and reflect on all that's happened.

Decade in review: 2011 to 2020

This section won't be as long as you might expect. I mean, a lot of things happen in a 10-year period, but I won't be cramming the entire decade's worth of stuff in here. And it's not for editorial reasons either. No, the reason is much more straightforward: I don't remember.

Indeed, I'm getting on in age, and feeling the effects of every single day of wear and tear on my body, mind, and spirit. So unfortunately, I do get senior moments increasingly often, including forgetfulness and the dreaded tip-of-the-tongue phenomenon where I want to say a particular word but it remains just beyond reach of my consciousness and I end up stuttering like an idiot for a few seconds until my brain kicks back into gear and catches up. A neurological disorder like spinal muscular atrophy affects only my physical health directly; that much is true. In fact, this decade has been marked by a noticeable decline in my condition and I give myself at best even odds of making it through the next decade alive and an almost 0% chance of making it to the end of the one after. But even though the mental and intellectual parts of me are not affected by the disease, when the body has to commit almost all of its resources to keeping itself running, the mind and spirit do suffer from deprivation and, as a result, they do deteriorate as well.

That's not to say I'm a dullard. I know I'm not. I'm damn good at what I do, and I have only gotten smarter over the course of the decade. A lot of this has to do with my tertiary education.

First, I took the unorthodox step of opting for a polytechnic diploma course rather than following the traditional junior college route after finishing secondary school. (For my overseas readers: Polytechnic is a bit like what the Americans call "community college". It focuses more on knowledge that is relevant to the real world. Junior college is a continuation of the traditional school system where students learn the standard subjects like calculus, chemistry, literature, and so on.)

Polytechnic was great. I studied psychology, and although many of the theories and research techniques I had to memorise have since faded into the fog of history, the important principles remain and have influenced the way I navigate social relations and the big, bad world out there. It matured me as a person, turning me from a book-smart teen who was utterly lost when asked to do anything that didn't involve examination papers into someone a little more shrewd, streetwise, and capable.

I also learned other useful skills like Microsoft Office, which is wonderful because I don't know how I would have learned it otherwise. Knowing how to use Microsoft Word, PowerPoint, Outlook, and Excel is a basic requirement for all office jobs, so I'm glad I had good instruction in them. It certainly saved me a lot of bungling around when I went for my internships.

Speaking of internships, I've done two. To me, the key takeaways from them were not subject-matter expertise and domain knowledge, but the more intangible aspects. I learned to trust myself more, as I consistently produced work of such quality that I ultimately got a full-time job offer from my second internship firm. I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt all my life, wondering if I will ever be "good enough", so this was a balm to my soul.

Of course, I cannot forget the relationships I formed along the way. I was so lucky to have been surrounded by colleagues who were welcoming and accommodating. They readily took me into the fold and treated me as one of their own. Even though I'm no longer working at my first internship firm, I'm still in contact with some of the colleagues I grew closer to through social media and instant messaging.

And outside of internships, how can I forget the friends that fate so kindly sent my way? Three deserve a special mention (initials are used for privacy and I have purposely written very vague details to remove potentially identifying information):

SOF, whom I randomly messaged one day because I was obsessed with a certain adorable mascot and he was a manager at the organisation the mascot represents. He turned out to be a really cool guy with quite a similar personality to me (along with matching fierce faces which don't smile easily), so we are now good friends.

LS, whose job it was to take care of me at one of the educational institutions I attended. Instead of treating me as just another case on her files, she bothered to fight through my tough exterior (didn't I mention I have a fierce face?) and get to know the awesome person trapped inside. She hasn't fled from me yet, so I guess she decided I'm not that bad.

(I only met the third friend this year, so I will talk about her in the next section.)

And that's the thing. People who do manage to break through my defences often find that I'm a pretty okay guy. It's like the old saying: "She's a bitch until you actually get to know her."

How did I become a bitch? Think of it this way. When you do a lot of manual work with your hands, you accumulate superficial damage on your skin which results in the formation of calluses, right? The same thing happens with emotions.

In my case, I have been fighting a battle that has lasted for 23 years and counting. Every day is a struggle as my banged-up body fights to sustain the increasing demands of a perfectly healthy and active mind which wants to do anything and everything. And as they say, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

The public only sees the "idealised" version of me through the media. They think I'm a superman who has overcome my disease and achieved amazing feats. But I haven't. As a child, I lost countless hours of sleep just lying in bed ruminating about my life, wondering "why me?", thinking of the possibilities in life that could have been, and despairing about everything I would lose out on. But those thoughts and feelings would have done me no good at all. They would have turned me into an emotional wreck that couldn't function. So I learned to shut them away in the deepest, darkest corner of my heart. And there they have mostly remained, save for the occasional incident where some of them escape and I become moody for a while until the miscreant is locked up again by the passage of time. Time does heal wounds, after all.

But bottling up my fears and sadness came at a price. I became extremely guarded against anything that might cause me distress, because I wanted to avoid triggering another wave of negativity and setting my demons free again. There was only one problem: if you think about it, "anything that might cause me distress" basically encompasses life itself. In life, shit happens. And so I expended so much energy fretting and worrying and being anxious about this, that, and the other, that I sapped my own soul and became a neurotic empty husk of a human being. This state of affairs persists until the present day. Psychologists would say I have a flattened affect: my eyes are dull and lifeless, and my face fails to convey the full range of human emotions.

So that's the story of how I became a bitch.

How, then, is it possible that there are people, whom I call my friends, who have discovered another version of me? Well, first they had to get past my flattened affect which, admittedly, is very off-putting. Communicating via messaging apps has been a godsend in this regard because they don't have to see my face. Once they had done that, they then had to convince me that it was safe to let them get close to me. The true me, the one who has spent 23 years cowering in the inner sanctum of my mind, trying to avoid getting eaten by the demons who have made it their mission to destroy him once and for all.

That's the version of me who is really nice. He's great fun, has a sense of humour, is kind, and cares a lot for the few people who get through to him. But he does all that to mask his own problems, as well as seek vicarious happiness in others and do his bit to save others from going through the same pain as him, as much as he can. He's very selective though, because he doesn't have all the time in the world to be nice to all and sundry. He does need to remain alert against those demons, you know.

Would I change the way I am? Honestly, no. I find that my bitchiness is a great filter that keeps out the riff-raff whose continued presence in my life would serve no purpose other than to weigh me down and piss me off. The people who truly matter will self-select by persevering through the facade of bitchiness. In this way, I don't have to spend time and energy looking for friends. The ones who are worth having will come to me. I make a clear distinction between acquaintances and friends and don't use the word "friend" willy-nilly. The people who get the label of "friend" have earned their stripes. I don't need or want a ton of friends. That would be extremely tiring. I'm far happier with a tiny handful of very close ones.

And that is how I try to keep my spirit healthy. At least some part of me is holding together, albeit barely.

Year in review: 2020

How can I talk about this year without mentioning the Covid-19 pandemic? I can't, so as tired as the topic has become, I won't attempt to skirt around it.

Honestly, as the world was bitching and moaning about how distressing lockdowns were to people's emotions, I was having the time of my fucking life. Yes, all things considered, I've had quite the opposite experience of 2020 than most people. It's been a good year, and I would consider it one of the most standout high points in my life.

These are three momentous occurrences that 2020 was responsible for.

I got a gastrostomy

It was in 2018 that I noticed I had started losing strength in my throat muscles which controlled the swallowing reflex. I wrote about it here. You will see that back then, I was vehemently against the idea of being tube-fed. How perspectives change in two years.

After struggling through my meals throughout the remainder of 2018 and the entirety of 2019, I thought: "Screw it. I don't want to be spending three hours every single day for the rest of my life slaving over food. There are so many better ways to spend those three hours. Besides, I'm spending so much energy on the very act of eating that the net effect is I'm probably losing calories by burning them faster than I'm taking them in via the food, defeating the whole point of food intake!"

So I asked my doctors for a gastrostomy. It happened in 2020, and you can read about it here.

In the end, the aftermath of the procedure didn't quite go as smoothly as I described in that post. About two months after starting on the tube-feeding regimen, I developed a very wet cough that wouldn't go away. I also suddenly felt really drained of energy all the time. My ability to function in my daily life was affected, as I would have to lie in bed with my ventilator strapped to my face every time I suffered an attack of the wet cough. The lethargy was also slowing down my mind which, as you know, is the only thing on this damned body of mine that actually works properly and allows me to earn money.

I couldn't go on like that! So my doctors came and did a bunch of tests, ruling out infection. Then they more or less ran into a wall and got stumped. None of their gadgets could identify a biological reason for my symptoms. But there had to be one!

My mother remembered that when I was a child, I would get wet coughs whenever she gave me too much milk. And the formula feed I was on, Ensure Plus, was dairy-based. It was possible that I was reacting badly to it, since I was taking in 800ml of it every day.

The medical professionals were okay with my parents doing an experiment to test this hypothesis. So I began taking a reduced 600ml volume of Ensure Plus. My symptoms improved slightly but didn't totally go away. A further cutback to 400ml did the trick. After a few days on the half-diet, I felt like I was back to my old self again.

One day, the dietitian found out about a product called Isomil 3 and drew my father's attention to it. It's a dairy-free, soy-based formula for babies. I went on it for a few weeks and found that I was energetic and my lungs remained clear.

Throughout this time, my weight was fluctuating wildly. From an initial 16kg before the tube insertion, it shot up under the 800ml Ensure Plus regimen, stabilised under the 600ml one, started coming down under the 400ml one, then crashed further after the switch to Isomil. Because one of the goals that my father and the dietitian have is to keep my weight at around 20kg, they were not pleased when my weight tumbled to about 19kg. So we are still in the midst of trying to find a regimen that works optimally. But at least now we know that we need to be careful with the amount of dairy we include.

The benefits I mentioned in that post, though, endure. I don't have to fight against my failing body to eat dinner every night, so I have so much more time and energy to do other things.

Which brings me to my next momentous occurrence...

RuneScape

I know I've talked about this ad nauseam recently, especially since I've been playing it a lot during my newly freed-up evenings. But instead of waxing lyrical about the game, I'll talk about something else this time.

The wonderful thing about multiplayer role-playing games like RuneScape is the social aspect. I don't have the strength to go out and mingle with people in real life, and anyway, going anywhere is fraught with logistical complexities such as having to be transported to the destination safely and chaperoned around by an experienced caregiver, which in the vast majority of cases is my father.

So it's pretty hard for me to maintain social contact with other humans. Do I get lonely? Yeah for sure, all the time in fact, especially as I get older and see my contemporaries meet their life partners and settle down. That's something I'll never have, and although I like to look on the bright side and think about how much of my money is freed up by not having to worry about costs like a house, a car, and my children's education, allowing me to buy more nice things for myself and my loved ones in the here and now, I do sometimes wonder what would have been. I have the feeling I would've been an awesome dad, but I guess I'll never know.

We RuneScapers like to say that RuneScape is not a dating site. But what it offers me is an avenue to meet new people and make new friends. Remember the third friend I mentioned in the previous section? We met through RuneScape. Although we live very different lives on opposite sides of the planet, our values, opinions, and personalities align so closely it's actually uncanny. She's like a younger, hardier, more street-smart, and less cowardly version of me, or the baby sister I could never have.

It's also really cool finally having a friend who is around my age and not several decades older. I mean, I love my other friends like SOF and LS to bits, but I sometimes wonder at my inability to form close ties with anyone younger. Well, I don't have to wonder anymore. We get along so well, and because just like me, she is way more intelligent and keen to learn than the vast majority of our peers, we can have such deep and meaningful discussions about wide-ranging topics from culture to entertainment to current affairs. I get so exhausted making mindless small talk with airheaded people so chatting with her is extremely refreshing because she's not averse to diving into the heavy stuff. She's even willing to play Agony Aunt with me when I go all mushy and emotional, because she believes in confronting your emotions and not hiding them away. That's reflected in the music we like, which is the older type that contains meaning rather than that candy-pop Korean drivel that's so "in" these days. Have a listen to this song by a band she introduced me to which I developed a liking for.

I'm truly in awe at how fortunate I am that fate so kindly sent this very special person into my path this year. (Note: Although I have written about this friend in such glowing terms, let me make it abundantly clear that my relationship with her is strictly "BFF" in nature. This is not an Avril Lavigne song.)

I graduated and did quite well

The third momentous occurrence was when I received official confirmation that I had passed my final semester and was to be conferred my degree from the National University of Singapore, the best university in Asia and training ground of Singapore's sex offenders.

I finished with a score of 4.85 out of 5, and my degree is classed as an Honours with Highest Distinction. That was a bit of a Covid-induced fluke, to be honest. As I explained in my Facebook post announcing this happy news:

The Covid-19 pandemic gave me a better degree than I would otherwise have gotten.

My cumulative average point (CAP) was well on track to qualifying me for an Honours with Highest Distinction. But to get Honours with Highest Distinction in regular times, there was an additional hurdle: a thesis had to be written. If a student got a CAP of more than 4.5 but did not write a thesis, they would only get an Honours with Distinction, which is the class below Honours with Highest Distinction.

Such was my distaste for research, however, that I was willing to accept the lower class of Honours in return for not having to suffer through the process of writing a thesis. This was not an emotionally driven decision; I had consulted my superiors at my internship firm and they said it really did not matter career-wise whether I got the highest class of Honours or the one just below.

It turned out that in the end, this tough choice to sacrifice the glory of an Honours with Highest Distinction became moot. The pandemic and the accompanying social distancing measures caused students to face great difficulties when conducting their research. Recognising this, the Faculty waived the thesis requirement for obtaining the Honours with Highest Distinction class. Students only needed to meet the CAP requirement of at least 4.5.

So that is how I lucked into getting my Honours with Highest Distinction. But as a wise man once said: "Luck is when being prepared meets opportunity". My consistent performance through the seven semesters enabled me to maintain a very high CAP that allowed me to capitalise on the favourable circumstances when they presented themselves.

And for that, I make no apologies for saying that I am immensely pleased with myself.

So yeah, now I have a top-class degree from a very reputable university to wave around when I get into stupid fights with strangers on social media. Suck it!

I can't think of a better way to use this hallowed piece of parchment.

The ramble ends here

Okay, this post became way longer than I intended. Mad respect to you if you made it to this point. You must be really interested in the nitty-gritty of my humdrum existence. I appreciate that a lot. It's rare that anyone cares so much about my banal stories.

You might also have noticed that it is now 2021. My bad! Between laziness, procrastination, distractions, real-life goings-on, and writer's block, the process of writing this post dragged on over weeks instead of the few days I had originally anticipated.

Anyway, if you are one of the elite few who have read this whole post to the end, congratulations and thank you once again for the support! You can finally be free now to go do better things with your time.

The finish line: My last semester is here (AY2020/21 Semester 1)

This is it. After 16 years of studying, the endgame is in sight. The piece of paper I have been working towards my entire life is finally within reach.

I am half a year away from graduating with my degree.

And it could potentially be a higher class of degree than expected, thanks to the coronavirus. The requirement of an Honours Thesis has been waived for the award of Honours with Highest Distinction for this year, because many students who were writing their theses were encountering difficulties in gathering their research data due to social distancing measures.

Given that my cumulative average point is well within the range for Honours with Highest Distinction, I could end up benefitting from this waiver. Previously, I would not have been able to get an Honours with Highest Distinction because an Honours Thesis was mandatory. I would have had to settle for Honours with Distinction.

Now, as long as I don't start picking up C's and D's all of a sudden, I will be able to get Honours with Highest Distinction after all.

That's cool!

So what are the modules standing between me and my coveted piece of paper?

Note: All modules are worth 5MCs, graded with standard letter grades, and delivered through weekly three-hour seminars, held through Zoom this semester due to the Covid-19 pandemic. Regular students can acquire them on the ModReg system, with priority given to CNM majors in SOC4. I was preallocated my modules by the Dean's Office due to my status as a disabled student.

NM4223: New Media and Organizations

This module seems pretty cool because it's about working in corporations and how new media technologies have an impact on such companies. It appears to blend in some HR aspects as well, such as emotions and relationships at the workplace. Given that I'll be working in a large company when I graduate, and having interned in that company for quite a long time last year, I think this module will be interesting because it will contain useful observations and insights into everyday life at such workplaces.

NM4228: Crisis Communication

The lecturer for this module is Ms Bhavani Krishnasamy, one of the most famous communications practitioners in Singapore. She was involved in many of the most momentous occasions in Singapore's history like the terrorist takeover of flight SQ117, the mysterious crashing of SilkAir flight MI185, and the SARS and H1N1 pandemics. I also found this article from The Guardian which mentions her and the fact that her name made it from the little red dot all the way to the United Kingdom says it all. It's indeed very exciting to have the opportunity to hear from someone at the top of the field!

NM4230: Communication for Social Change

Pushing for change is an important human activity, in my opinion. Whether it's to overhaul an oppressive political system or get fair treatment for a group of underprivileged people, activism and lobbying are crucial in bringing about desirable changes to the world we live in. And having a concerted communication effort behind a social change campaign can be the difference between success and failure, since social change can only happen with enough public support. This module will draw on many examples of social change communications from various parts of the world to show how tools like social media and blogs can be used for activism.

NM4240: Risk Perception and Communication

So many people are out and about, heedless of the dangers posed by the coronavirus that is still lurking around. In other words, they are taking risks with their health and safety. When I was studying psychology in polytechnic, I was exposed to the works of Gerd Gigerenzer and enjoyed learning about his thoughts on how we perceive risk. I look forward to exploring this topic in greater depth because I believe we can easily see its effects in our lives, especially with the ongoing pandemic.

I'm happy to be wrapping up the educational phase of my life because it's getting a little stale and I want to go on to do other things already. There's a whole new world of experiences waiting for me out there!

 

That's all for now. Look out for my last set of module reviews ever  (!), out in January 2021.

 

Until then, stay at home as much as possible and wear a mask at all times when you're out of the house!

Doing the Honours: Returning to school to start my Honours Year in AY2019/20 Semester 2

I'm into my final year of formal education now. On 13 January 2020, I will begin my second-last semester as an NUS FASS student.

My ex-boss, who is also my boss-to-be come 2021 when I join the sovereign wealth fund GIC after graduation, has this advice for picking modules: learn how the world works.

Don't go learn how to write. Go learn about the world, do interesting things, read hard subjects, and then communicate about the world through your writing. Stop wasting time on Journalism School and Communications School, but if you're already knee-deep in it, then learn all the other hard and weird stuff on the side that will animate your writing.

~ Jason Leow, former journalist at The Straits Times and current managing director of communications at GIC and chairman of the Speak Good English Movement. For the record, he did not study journalism at university. He majored in literature at NUS.

So with this in mind, I set about picking modules for the new semester that are more conceptual and worldly rather than vocational and specific. At the same time, I don't like modules that deal with topics that are too abstract. I like to be able to see the relevance of what I am learning in class to reality. I think I managed to strike a good balance with this selection of modules.

Note: All modules are worth 5MCs, graded with standard letter grades, and delivered through weekly three-hour seminars. Regular students can acquire them on the ModReg system, with priority given to CNM majors in SOC4. I was preallocated my modules by the Dean's Office due to my status as a disabled student.

NM4239: Digital Propaganda and Public Opinion
This is one of the "conceptual and worldly" modules. Others were available too, such as one about racial representation in the media and another about sex in the media. But those are not really interesting to me, being confined to niche activists' areas of concern. This module is more interesting because it deals with social and political affairs, which are current, particularly with the General Election around the corner, and affect all of us. Informed citizens should have some understanding of how external parties, especially in this day and age of social media, influence our decisions on hot-button issues and maybe even change our minds without us knowing.

NM4247: Creative Writing in the Marketplace
According to the description on LumiNUS, this module teaches students "the importance of narratives and the techniques of crafting them through personal essays" as well as how to "apply what they have learnt to a narrative video script for a brand or cause". In other words, it's about storytelling, not for the sake of spinning fairytales but for strategic brand-building. This is my indulgence as it is not quite the "conceptual and worldly" module that I should be taking if I follow Jason's advice strictly, but I chose it because I think I will like it and have fun with it.

NM4881A: Topics in Media Studies: Social Media
Another "conceptual and worldly" module I picked for this semester is what I would call the "dark" (or Darth, if you're a Star Wars fan) NM2203. Where NM2203 is all about how you can use social media effectively to build your brand, NM4881A is stuffed with weighty, and at times depressing, observations about how social media impacts, and is in turn impacted by, us as individuals and, on a larger scale, the world around us. In other words, it is about the effects of social media on people and society. With social media being part of our everyday lives, I can see why this knowledge is important and relevant.

NM4238: Software Studies
This is a "conceptual and worldly" module from the realm of computational social science. Rather than looking at software from a technological perspective, such as analysing how a programme or application is coded, it examines the impact of technological developments and computerisation, such as remote working, Bitcoin, and the increasingly powerful devices we carry in our pockets, on people and society through the lens of the humanities and social sciences. Ultimately, human beings are the consumers and end-users of technology, so it is vital to be aware of the possible implications of such technology on human health, happiness, and relationships.

My CAP stands at 4.82. The highest Honours class I can obtain is Distinction (formerly known as Second Upper Class), because I decided against writing a thesis and as a result am barred from obtaining Highest Distinction (formerly known as First Class). It was a trade-off I made willingly because I abhor research and couldn't fathom spending a year of my short life slaving away over some inconsequential manuscript whose only destiny is to lie in a corner somewhere collecting dust. What sweetened the deal was the recent announcement that effective from my cohort (Cohort 2017) onwards, NM4102: Advanced Communications & New Media Research is no longer a graduation requirement for all CNM Honours students. It is now compulsory only for those writing an Honours thesis or, restated in formal terms, NM4102 is a pre- and co-requisite for NM4401 Honours Thesis. What that means for me is that I can escape from doing research completely and still get my Honours! Several senior colleagues at my internship worksite assured me that there's not much difference to employers between a Highest Distinction and a Distinction, so I went ahead and threw out both NM4401 and NM4102 from my considerations.

As I was on internship for the past half-year, I haven't had to do academic work for quite a while now. Strangely, I kind of miss it because it has been a constant feature in my life and I am the type of person who prefers the familiar. I look forward to the new semester and all the interesting modules I'll be taking with great excitement!

A very unusual AY2019/20 Semester 1: I won't be on campus at all

As per my usual practice, this post is to look ahead to the coming semester.

But there are two differences this time.

First, this post has appeared a bit earlier than its predecessors. Previously I would write a post like this a few days before the start of the semester. The coming semester starts in August. I'm a month early!

Actually I'm not. The coming "semester" for me starts next Monday, 22 July. I'll be reporting for my first day of work at my internship worksite, where I'll be spending the next six months.

Second, this post would usually contain a preview of the modules I have secured for the coming semester through bidding or pre-allocation. But there's no more bidding, that system having been scrapped in favour of an algorithmic allocation system starting from the coming semester.

Besides, there's nothing much to preview in terms of modules. There's just the one:

NM3550Y: Communications & New Media Internship
Number of MCs: 12
Grading: Standard letter grades, not eligible for S/U due to being level-3000

This module represents the compulsory internship that all Communications & New Media (CNM) students must complete in order to graduate. It is not registered for in ModReg. Rather, the department will send out a survey midway through every semester, and students who want to go on the internship the following semester must indicate their intention to do so in the survey form. The department will then hold a briefing to guide students on securing a worksite for the internship. Assessment is conducted through the submission of three written reports via LumiNUS at various points during the internship. There is also a component where the intern is assessed by their supervisor.

My internship worksite is GIC, the sovereign wealth fund of Singapore. Oh no, I know next to nothing about economics and finance! But it's okay. I will mostly be doing work in human resources and communications, which are support functions that have little to do with business. Besides, if I don't understand some business concept that I need to know in order to do my job, I can always ask. I'm there to learn, after all.

Although I'm nervous about whether I'll be able to adapt to and cope with a new environment, culture, and set of expectations, I take solace in the fact that I had wisdom and foresight when I opted to overload my previous semester so that I don't have to take evening modules during my internship just to keep up with my graduation schedule. I made sure that I have enough credits to graduate (if I want the basic degree) after completing this internship, so I only have to devote my full attention to this internship and I'll be all set (but I will stay on to complete the extra set of requirements for the Honours degree).

This blog

Like in previous semesters, I have written posts in advance which will be released automatically according to a schedule set by me. From 16 August onwards, a post will be published every fortnight. Each post will break down one chapter from The Singlish Controversy by Professor Lionel Wee, my favourite nonfiction book of all time.

My experience writing for TODAYonline

Quotable quotes

On my writing skills:
"Jonathan has a flair for writing." ~ Ms Pillai, my Primary 1 form teacher
"You have a nice voice. Don't ever lose it." ~ Mr Ong, an English teacher at my secondary school
"You have a very precious gift. You should do something with it." ~ Dr Tan, ex-university lecturer

On seizing chances for personal development as a student:
"Sometimes opportunities can appear in the most unexpected of places, like in your student inbox." ~ Ms Chia, speaker at a polytechnic scholarship ceremony

It came on 24 September 2018, the recess week of Semester 1 of the 2018/19 academic year, from the Communications and New Media (CNM) department's general office.

"Read your own articles on TODAY!" blared the subject line.

The National University of Singapore (NUS) email server is notorious for being a spam delivery service, and I delete 75% of the emails I get, but this one stopped my finger dead in its tracks before it could press the trash can button.

First, my ego shouted: "That sounds awesome! You could become famous!"

Then, my more rational side said: "This could be a good opportunity for you to practise your public writing, and have some published works to show to potential employers."

Finally, a small but insistent voice, which is the truest version of myself, nagged at me: "Got money or not?" (English translation: Will you get paid?)

Intrigued, I opened the email.

"Are you an avid writer?" it began.

Yes, I am, I thought, reminded of this blog which I love tending to.

"Do you have a story dying to be shared with the world?" it continued.

This gave me pause. I have quite a humdrum existence. Then I remembered that the whole idea of storytelling skills, the most important for communications practitioners, is to make something seem exciting even if it's not. I resolved to squeeze out a good story from somewhere.

I read on.

"TODAY wants to hear from you! As part of TODAY’s efforts to diversify its reader pool, it wants more user-generated content from youth like yourself! Put your passion for a cause – be it climate change, education, public transport, of politics – into words; raise awareness of your pet topics, and inspire action! Share with us your op-eds, commentaries, letters, or even photography and videography work which you know will resonate among fellow young readers."

Bingo. I had my story.

At that time, I was volunteering for a group that rescues rabbits. This fit the theme of "passion for a cause". I decided to write something about that.

I also decided, after much deliberation, to depart from my usual policy of not playing the disability card. Previously, I had never enjoyed highlighting the fact that I am disabled and only did so when absolutely necessary, such as to get assistance or accommodations that I really needed.

But I realised that being disabled gives me a huge leg up (figuratively, of course, since my actual legs haven't been "up" for many years now) when it comes to crafting compelling narratives.

Most of the time it's compelling because it evokes pity, which I hate. Sometimes it's compelling because people find it inspiring, which I also don't like as I explain in my fifth commentary (see below). But I'm not going to let my pet peeves get in the way of a good story. If people want to pity me or get inspired by me, they are welcome to do so as long as they read my writing and enjoy it.

With that settled, I sat down (I didn't actually do this, because I was already in a seated position) to write. A few hours later (when I am seized with writing frenzy, I can be extremely productive), I had a draft.

I sent the draft to the CNM general office. A couple of days later, I was linked up with the editor in charge of commentaries at TODAYonline.

Lineage

Let me digress a little bit here. Many years ago, before smartphones killed the radio star, TODAY used to be a printed newspaper. I used to be a loyal reader, because it was tabloid-sized and easier for me to handle compared to the broadsheet Straits Times.

Since those days, TODAY has always had very interesting and insightful op-eds. It used to run regular humour columns by Mr Brown and Neil Humphreys, two of the most popular bloggers in Singapore at that time. And I particularly loved the weekly commentaries by a Sri Lankan airline pilot called Mr Elmo (I can't remember the surname), not only because I was crazy about the Sesame Street character of the same name but also because I still harboured fanciful childhood dreams of a flying career back then and greatly enjoyed reading his anecdotes of life in the cockpit.

Then smartphones came along and hardcopy advertising went out of vogue. TODAY lost a big chunk of revenue and couldn't afford to be printed anymore, so it became a digital newspaper. In the last couple of years before it discontinued the print version, it was obvious that it was in trouble as editorial standards became almost non-existent. Here's an example that I spotted and wrote about on Facebook:

So now there are no more physical copies of TODAY. It's all online. But what hasn't changed is the quality of its commentaries, which are still excellent. The fact that I have had the chance to partake in this excellence fills me with pride and gratitude.

First story

Okay, let's get back to talking about the editor. He got in touch with me and told me that my submission was okay but needed some work before it could be published. I was expecting that, because I'm not deluded enough to believe that my writing has absolutely no room for improvement.

We worked together to brush up the piece. This involved trimming it down to a length that people are willing to read all the way to the end (not like this blog entry, which is way too long), putting in elements such as key learning points that make it worth people's time to read, and eliminating clunky and awkward phrasing. Gradually, it shaped up and was published on 28 October 2018.

Through the experience, I realised that having an editor can turn a good piece of writing into a magical one. Until then I had only ever had my writing critiqued by my university instructor Dr Tan, whose quote I featured at the start of this blog post. But those were class assignments. This was real.

An analogy would be diamonds. Writers are like the miners who dig the diamonds out of the ground. The diamonds are nice, but their full value is not yet unlocked. Editors are like the craftsmen who grind and cut the diamonds until they glisten and sparkle, allowing the full value of the diamonds to be unlocked.

Stalker alert

I like to know as much as I can about new people I come across. Euphemistically, I like to borrow a piece of praise that Dr Tan once blessed me with and say "I have a nose for news", but honestly I'm just kaypoh (English translation: busybody).

As is my usual practice, I started poking around for information on this editor that I had just gotten to know. He is a hard man to track down, which is not surprising since he shares the same name as a famous fictional spy with amnesia. Apart from work-related matters like his LinkedIn page and articles by him, there were not many traces of him in cyberspace aside from an abandoned Twitter profile and a feature about his career on the website of his alma mater. One thing I did learn from an old photo I unearthed was that he is a spitting image of Donnie Yen, the action movie star best known for his role as the titular character in the Ip Man martial arts film franchise.

That's all I shall say about this. I respect him and don't want to inadvertently dox him. He obviously values his privacy. Also, he is going to read this blog post and I don't want to make him angry or he won't want to talk to me anymore.

The next story

After my first story was published, a second soon followed on 11 November 2018.

It came about because at that time, there was some debate in the media about the effectiveness of tertiary education in preparing students for work, and comparisons were being made between junior colleges, polytechnics, and universities.

Who better to contribute to the discussion than a student? Not only was I a university student, I had previously studied at a polytechnic. This was a non-traditional path, as the convention is to go from a junior college to a university. Polytechnic students are thought to be less academically inclined and not as suited to university education.

So I wanted to share my view: Polytechnic students are equally deserving of being in a university. It's not true that we cannot cope with academic rigour. Many of us get into university and thrive. And because our polytechnic background imparts us with skills that a background in junior college doesn't, enlightened employers know that we are better able to function right out of the box.

Money face

One of the most awesome things about writing for TODAYonline is getting paid. I am a freelancer with a contract that stipulates that I am paid for each published piece.

This is great for two reasons:

1. I retain full control over my life. When I have time and feel like it, I write and get paid. If I'm busy or just lazy, I have the freedom to simply not write and get no money.
2. For someone who previously had zero income other than handouts from relatives, being able to earn money is extremely empowering. It means I can go shopping, a pastime that I enjoy very much.

The third and fourth

As I mentioned, the freelance arrangement with TODAYonline allows me to slack off whenever I want to. This was what happened over the few months as 2018 made way for 2019. I didn't write anything during that period, and I didn't get paid.

But soon, I got antsy to write again. Schoolwork gets tiresome if it isn't interrupted with other activities. I can't go play sports or hang out, so writing things other than academic essays is what I turn to for leisure.

Also, it dawned on me that my internship application was drawing near. Having as many published pieces as possible might help me make a stronger case to employers.

I seized on a trending topic at the time: the rising trend of social media vigilantism. As a CNM student, I reasoned that I had the credibility to write about it.

The piece was published on 17 February 2019.

Schoolwork consumed my life over the following few months. I was trying to clear all my graduation requirements before going on the internship so I had overloaded the semester, taking more modules than normal. And I also had to juggle the task of looking for an internship placement that I liked and would accept me and my disability.

When the semester ended, I was free to go back to writing. I took a couple of weeks off to play computer games and refresh my mind first, then threw myself into the task.

My fourth piece came out on 16 June 2019. It was a blockbuster, if I say so myself. The cover photo, which my mother took using my smartphone one night upon my instructions, featured me lying in bed in my pyjamas and wearing my ventilator. Such an attention-grabbing visual was sure to attract people to click on the article, and they did so in droves. According to the editor, the article had five times more than the average view count for commentaries. The topic was death and the emotional impact meant that it was widely shared and generated quite a lot of buzz online. It even got me invited onto radio and television programmes. But I declined them because I am really, really slow on my feet and stammer a lot when talking. My best work is done in front of a computer with all the time in the world to think of what I want to say.

Playing with the big boys

Hot on the heels of the fourth was the fifth, published on 5 July 2019.

It's special to me because it was the first time I was "promoted" to the "grownups area". My previous commentaries had all been published under Sunday's Gen Y Speaks column, which features younger writers and topics that are more youth-centric such as personal reflections, travel, and entrepreneurship. But this one was published on a Friday, where non-youth commentaries like those on economics or social issues usually appear. I felt honoured that the editor saw fit to give me a place together with the adults.

The piece was about how I don't mind people calling me a "disabled/handicapped person" but dislike it when they say I'm an inspiration. It wasn't spurred by any particular person or incident, but rather a buildup of many times being told how inspiring I am, which upsets me, as well as hearing the oft-repeated exhortation from "advocates" and "experts" who are not disabled themselves to anyone who will listen not to use "disabled person" and instead use "person with disability", which I find pointless and daft.

Continuing the trend of good performance from the previous piece, this one got twice the number of views compared to the average for commentaries.

To infinity and beyond

What's next? There probably won't be as many new pieces from me in the coming months, if at all. I'll be concentrating on my internship so my weekdays will be burned. Weekends will be reserved for recuperating and dealing with the reports that I have to submit to my university as part of the internship assessment requirements.

But I will always come back to TODAYonline. It gave me a chance, and my first break into actually writing for public consumption. Besides, I like my editor very much. He's a straightforward, no-bullshit kind of guy, which I appreciate especially in this world full of snakes.

The money, of course, seals the deal!

Just student things

I have completed four academic semesters of my undergraduate studies. Coupled with the one semester's exemption that I get for holding a diploma from a local polytechnic, and I am just one semester away from being eligible to graduate with a three-year Bachelor of Arts degree. I will spend that one semester on a full-time internship. But when I get back to school after the internship, I won't be graduating just yet. I don't want a three-year Bachelor of Arts. I want a four-year Bachelor of Social Sciences (Honours). So I will spend one more year in school, studying advanced modules in my major, Communications and New Media, before graduating at the end of the 2020 calendar year.

Right now, it can be said that I'm at a bit of a milestone. I have finished studying all the academic modules I need to study as an undergraduate in my programme. I just need to complete my internship, then I can move on to the extra one year of studies for my Honours degree.

I think there's no time like the present to look back on my academic modules and see how I've done since entering the National University of Singapore (NUS).

Full listing of grades

I have no reason to hide my grades. They are nothing to be shy about, but they are nothing to be modest about either. They are good, definitely, but not mindblowing. And they certainly don't form any part of my SingPass password, so if you're a scammer looking for personal information to hack my account, look harder.

Here's a full inventory of the modules I have done, and my performance in each of them.

August 2017 to December 2017

January 2018 to May 2018

August 2018 to December 2018

January 2019 to May 2019

My cumulative average point (CAP) stands at 4.78 out of 5.

Comments on each semester

August 2017 to December 2017

My first semester in NUS was fun. The modules were not too difficult as they were all introductory-level, and I felt very learned because I was exposed to a lot of cool stuff that I had never seen before. For example, I fell in love with linguistics in EL1101E, and was so interested and motivated that I got an A+ despite most of the concepts being alien to me. The only part of linguistics that I had encountered before was phonetics as I had studied a little about it in poly. Also in poly, I had studied psychology as that was my diploma, so taking the basic psychology module PL1101E here helped me get another easy A+. I did use one of my Satisfactory/Unsatisfactory options (S/U) on GER1000 to remove the B I got, which would otherwise have tanked my CAP badly. I just couldn't understand the concepts in that module for the life of me.

January 2018 to May 2018

This was my lightest semester in terms of workload. My timetable was so neat that I only needed to go to school on two out of the five weekdays. Even though two of the modules were at level-2000, I got A+ in both. NM2103 was easy for me because my psychology background had equipped me with plenty of rigorous training and skills in quantitative research and statistical analysis. And I thoroughly enjoyed NM2220, so my motivation to do well in it was sky-high, which duly manifested in the result. Two of the modules were Completed Satisfactorily/Completed Unsatisfactorily (CS/CU), which meant that I didn't need to study so hard and just needed to do the assignments on time in order to pass and get the CS, which has no impact on my CAP. I did not use any of my S/Us. My target CAP is 4.00, the equivalent of a second-upper Honours score, so my policy is to keep all A-range grades as they are worth at least 4.50 points each, helping to pull my CAP above 4.00.

August 2018 to December 2018

I was a little nervous about this semester before it began, as I was doing two level-2000 modules and one level-3000 module and worried that it would be difficult. Looking back on it now, it wasn't that bad. My love of linguistics spurred me to take EL2102 and EL2151 and excel in them. I also aced NM2101, the compulsory theory module of my major. These three modules were of the intensive "swallow the textbook" sort. Providing balance were the project-based GEH1014 and NM3217. I ate a B+ for NM3217 but I'm not too worried because a B+ is still worth 4.00 points so it doesn't drag my CAP below my target. Anyway, level-3000 modules are ineligible for S/U, so I couldn't get rid of the B+ even if I wanted to.

January 2019 to May 2019

Some students use their S/Us like machine gun bullets, spraying them around in their very first semester and running out of "ammunition" almost immediately. Starting with five, I used only one, and lost another when I ended my second semester because we are only allowed to bring three with us beyond our first calendar year. I'm glad I adopted this conservative approach early on, because this semester was hellish and my results took a hit. I almost bit off more than I could chew, taking six 4MC modules, two each at levels 1000, 2000, and 3000. The reason I did this was so that I could finish up all my academic graduation requirements for the base three-year degree programme, allowing me to focus fully on my upcoming internship. The alternative would have been to take just five modules and make up the shortfall by doing an online module during the internship period. I didn't want to do this because it would have been too tiring for me. When I come home after work, and on weekends, I want to rest, not study. But my brave decision came at a price: my diluted attention produced B+ in JS1101E and NM2203, as well as NM3219. Although B+ doesn't threaten to drag my CAP below my target as explained previously, it's still a bummer in a semester where three of them appear together and counteract the euphoria of me getting a highly unexpected A+ in NM2104 despite me going through that entire module in a haze of confusion. My CAP nosedived to 4.69 from where it stood at a healthy 4.81 the previous semester. Don't misunderstand: 4.69 is still a fantastic score, within first-class Honours territory and way above my target of 4.00. But I knew that it could be higher if I got rid of the B+ grades. Out came the S/Us and the B+ grades for JS1101E and NM2203 disappeared. My CAP shot back up to 4.78, where it now stands, safely beyond the first-class Honours threshold of 4.50.

What's next?

When I return from my internship stint, I will have a dilemma to deal with. Barring any major disaster, namely failing my internship, I should start my Honours year with my CAP in first-class territory. I will have to decide whether or not to do a thesis.

On one hand, it will be a huge pity if I don't do the thesis because if I finish with a CAP above 4.50 without the thesis, I will only get a second-upper-class Honours even though my CAP is in the first-class range. To have any shot at getting a first-class Honours, I have to do a thesis.

On the other hand, three things are holding me back from doing the thesis:

1. I don't know what to write about. It has to be a research study and related to communications or new media, and I will need to find a professor in the department to be my supervisor so the topic I write about will have to match one of their research interests. But I frankly have no inkling of what I want to research on! Research has always been something I do because I have to for the sake of academics. It's not something I'm really passionate about.
2. There are so many interesting level-4000 modules being offered by my department that I want to take. The modules teach relevant and practical industry knowledge and skills such as crisis communications, campaign management, financial communications, media law and ethics, risk management, social change communication, and social media. Doing the thesis will mean taking three fewer of these modules. I'm not sure if I'm willing to sacrifice learning a variety of interesting things for doing a lengthy piece of research on a single topic. Honestly, it sounds boring.
3. I'm not confident in doing well for the thesis. Besides, it is worth a whopping 15MC, so its impact on my CAP will be huge. What happens if I get a bad grade for it, and as a result my CAP slips below 4.50? The whole purpose of doing the thesis is to be able to get first-class Honours, but I won't get it anyway if my CAP is less than 4.50, thesis or no.

I hate having to make earth-shattering decisions like this! Sometimes I can't even decide what I want from McDonald's. I'll just sit in front of the counter staring blankly at the menu board, sweating profusely in fear, the eyes of the entire world boring into my skull as it impatiently awaits my order.

But whatever decision I eventually make, it certainly won't be as daft as the one my mother made when she was a student at NUS in the 1980s. Offered the chance to do Honours in both of her majors, English and Sociology, she turned them both down because she had already secured a highly sought-after job at a large local bank. Wait, that's not the stupid part. The stupid part is this. She had letters from NUS stating that she was offered the chance to do Honours. These letters were documentary evidence of her academic prowess. But after deciding that she wasn't going to do the Honours, she casually threw away the letters! In effect, she trashed the only material proof she had that she was in fact qualified to be an Honours student and that her lack of an Honours degree was a conscious choice. To this day, she rues her foolishness.

And after that?

It strikes me that the end of my life as a student draws near. I'm terrified, because being a student is the only thing I've ever known and it's also something I've proven to be good at. I don't know if I'll be able to have similar success in the big, bad world out there.

Sometimes I toy with the idea of engaging in delaying tactics by remaining a student a little bit longer. I have my eye on a one-year Master's in English Language offered by my current faculty. It's coursework-based so there's no research thesis, which is a huge plus for me. And the fact that it's offered by my current faculty means that I won't have to adjust to a new physical and cultural environment. That's always comforting.

The drawbacks? Although it's quite affordable in the context of postgraduate degrees, at about $10,000 in total, it will still put a big hole in my bank account. My parents are financing my Bachelor studies because it's considered a necessity to secure a better future for me and they can afford to support me fully, but this delaying tactic of mine is a "nice to have" or luxury item and I cannot in good faith have them pay for it. Additionally, this particular Master's adds almost zero value to my resume. I stand to gain a year's worth of fun and intrigue from the programme, but nothing more.

And even if I do the Master's, it will just put off the inevitable. I'll still eventually have to survive outside of school. I can't be a student forever. I need money.

Oh, to be young again...