On mortality

Being born with a severe congenital illness, I have thought about my own death ever since I grew old enough to grasp the concept of it. As a child, the idea of dying used to scare me, and I would lie awake at night fretting. But as I matured, I started to accept that I would eventually die, and perhaps it's not so bad after all.

I don't know when I will die. Some people with my condition died when they were much younger than I am now. Some are still alive well into their 40s. Neither do I know how I will die. Some fellow sufferers succumbed to respiratory distress, while others were killed by heart failure. A few died in their sleep. I hope that when my time comes to die, it will be quick and painless. Hopefully it happens while I'm asleep so I don't have to know anything about it.

There are some advantages to not living a full lifespan. Obviously, the biggest is that I may even die before my parents do. I can't live independently as I need help for everything including daily routines like bathing and eating. My parents are my caregivers right now and dying before them means I won't have to worry about surviving in the world without them.

Another advantage is that the uncertainty surrounding when I will die gives me an impetus to live every day like it's my last. I choose to be positive, forgive small slights easily, and don't get too worked up over minor issues. It isn't always easy, but I think this makes me a much happier person overall.

Nowadays, my outlook on dying can best be described as acceptance tinged with regret. I have gone through so much difficulty and overcome so many challenges in the short time I have been alive, and it feels like such a waste that it will all count for nothing after I'm dead. I don't believe in an afterlife in any form, and the thought that all the experiences, memories, and even skills and knowledge I have accumulated over the years will just disappear into an eternal darkness makes me sad.

Which is why I hope that I won't die so soon. I haven't accomplished anything at all. I've been around for almost 20 years but spent the entire time as a student. That's not the kind of legacy I want to leave behind! I shudder when I imagine what my gravestone will say about me: "Herein lies Jonathan. He died with a matriculation card in his hand."

My wish is very, very simple: I want to work before I die. I don't really care where or what I work as, as long as it's a full-time permanent position that I gained on my own merit. I want to put my skills and knowledge to good use. I want to know what it's like to have a circle of colleagues which together form a second family and an office to call a home away from home. And most importantly, I want to make a difference, big or small. (Oh, and I also want to earn my own salary so I can buy nice things for myself and my parents.)

And that brings me to the last advantage of dying quickly that I can think of. Most people get so tired of working life after a few years, but I won't have that problem. Related to that, normal people need to save up and plan for retirement, but I don't have such problems. That means I can spend more money now, and buy more nice things!

I just need to cross my fingers and hope that fate and luck will grant me my wishes...