Fast food funnies

I love fast food as much as the next guy. McDonald's, Burger King, and KFC are all subjects of my all-too-frequent cravings. Over the years I've had a couple of hilarious experiences with the counter staff at some of these outlets.

"Sundae Kosong"

This happened many years ago at the VivoCity branch of Burger King. I was still a kid then, so I waited at the table while my parents went to place the order.

I wanted a set meal that came with a sundae. I thought I was being very clever, because even though I don't like sundae, I could ask for the sundae to be served without sauce, thereby turning it into simple vanilla ice cream. Even better, it would be contained in a cup and wouldn't melt and drip messily all over the place.

So I proudly communicated this grand scheme to my dad, who chortled but was otherwise unfazed because he's used to such queer flights of fancy that regularly escape from the space between my ears. He went to the counter and explained the complex instructions to the auntie (elderly lady).

To everyone's surprise, the auntie didn't bat an eye and immediately understood what I wanted. "Orh!" she exclaimed a little too loudly. "You want sundae kosong!"

To those of you who don't know how to buy a coffee or tea from the hawker centre (shame shame, go and learn lah! stop drinking that overpriced black water from Starbucks), or foreign visitors to my blog: "kosong" means zero in Malay and refers to a drink being plain, e.g. "teh kosong" means plain tea without sugar or milk

Cheeseburger vs. McChicken

Recently I was at the airport McDonald's. I went up to the counter and asked for a "Cheeseburger (Plain), please."

"McChicken?" said the girl taking the order.

"Sorry?" I said, a little flustered. "No, Cheeseburger (Plain)."

"Yeah, McChicken."

My dad thought she couldn't hear me properly so he leaned over and said "He wants a Cheeseburger (Plain)."

"Yah lah, McChicken right?"

Cue the sound of crickets and a major WTF moment as my dad and I tried to figure out if the gal was hearing-impaired or merely possessed the intelligence of a sesame seed.

"No!" my dad tried again, taking great pains to enunciate each syllable carefully as one would when speaking to a toddler. "CH-EEEEZE-burger... PLL-AAIN. Cheeseburger with nothing in it. No onions, no ketchup, no pickles. Just the patty and cheese."

"Oohhhh!" drawled the girl. "McChicken WITH CHEESE, is it?"

Thankfully we were spared further stress at this point when her coworker manning the next counter decided to intervene. He taught her which button to press on the machine to select the correct option for Cheeseburger (Plain). The store manager came over to investigate the fuss and explained that it was the girl's first day on the job. Both men were making that constipated face that eloquently communicated the fact that they were not sure whether to laugh or to cry.

I'm still a bit puzzled how the first-day-on-the-job excuse is a mitigating factor for mistaking Cheeseburger for McChicken. The two words don't even sound remotely similar! But whatever.

And if you're wondering who in their right mind would eat cheeseburger with nothing inside except the patty and cheese, well, enough people in this world do that McDonald's has Cheeseburger (Plain) as a pre-set option in their order-taking software. Try it sometime. You might just come to enjoy it!